


Rockin' Balin's Christmas Ballad

by onestepatatime



Series: Rockin' Balin's Holiday Ballads [3]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Gen, Specific story characters to be decided by the readers.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-21
Updated: 2015-12-25
Packaged: 2018-05-03 18:23:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5302022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onestepatatime/pseuds/onestepatatime
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Interested readers were to submit the name of a dwarf from Thorin's Company and a winter holiday themed song. Which holiday, which dwarf, and which song were up to the readers. Since we were tormented with carols long before November was even over, we tortured more than one of the Company with a chapter. Bifur does like to do bizzare things like not just chose one thing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Littlenori](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Littlenori/gifts), [BairnSidhe](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BairnSidhe/gifts).



> Legal Disclaimer: All trademarks and copyrights are owned by their respective owners. I make no profit from this story.

_(Bifur appears to be able to talk because he can write, and this is a written radio show.)_

 "This is Rockin' Balin that all of you holly holiday readers out there are listening to on this festive December night."

"You had better write down everything that I say, scribe."

"Let's have all of the readers give a big hand in welcome to my guest cohost, the ever jolly Bifur!"

"The only thing jolly about me is the fact that Bombur is related to me. Give me that paper. "

"Just do as we discussed and you get your boar spear...."

"Bofur won't give it back to after New Year's at the earliest. Give me that pen!"

"Bifur!"

"Why am I suddenly thrust into your radio program, Balin? Again? It took me weeks to get the picture of that cake out of my mind when I ate."

"Bilbo sent you along, Thorin?"

"No. Ori has made several complaints that I thought to investigate."

"Whatever. Stop being a crybaby over rotten cake, Thorin. We need our listeners input to make this third story...What is this? Only one story? Hardly. Leave a comment with a dwarf from Thorin's Company along with a winter holiday themed song, folks. These requests will be made into stories. The first request left will be the one that this installment of Balin's thieving show will be gifted to."

"This is as bad as Ori posting that...that...This is my show, Bifur!"

"You're going to have more problems than those that you have with Bifur, Balin if you include me in any of your foolishness again."

"It is up to the listeners, Thorin. Do get in the holiday spirit if you are going to crash my show."

"Wait til I get my hands on that hobbit!"

"Ahem, as cohost of Rockin' Balin's Christmas...Let me add a 's' here, one moment. There. As cohost of Rockin' Balin's Christmas Ballads, I invite readers to leave comments with suggestions for all Company dwarves. I hear that Balin and shenanigan songs are especially popular this year."

"This is Rockin' Balin signing off. Sigh."

 

 

 

Source: http://www.worth1000.com/entries/701306/ho-ho-hobbit

 

 

 

 

Source: http://caterjunes.tumblr.com/post/39185205077/misses-unicorn-bifur-and-bofur-are-both-toy

 

 

 

 

 

 


	2. Merry Christmas from Erebor!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here are some holiday pictures that I found circulating around Middle Earth.  
> Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

 

 

 

_Source: http://kakuzufan32.deviantart.com/journal/?offset=41_

_Source: http://www.thehobbitblog.com/merry-christmas/_

 

 

 


	3. Bofur Presents "White Christmas"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Littlenori suggested Bofur and Bing Crosby's White Christmas.
> 
> Here is the music video with White Christmas originally written by Irving Berlin and performed by Bing Crosby:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UGAosOoKFMs
> 
> Bofur uses this website for the lyrics and lyrics meanings source:  
> http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/b/bing_crosby/white_christmas.html  
> These quotes are underlined.

"This is Rockin' Balin that all of you listeners are tuning in to read this frosty winter night. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good..."

"The readers, Balin. The readers did not chose that particular poem. This is Impatient Cohost Bifur giving you all the gift of not hearing Rockin' Balin drone on, we do have two chapters to do tonight, Balin. Without further ado, here is Bofur in White Christmas, as requested by Littlenori."

\----

"So it's my turn to be unsuspecting as I'm tossed on a sound stage, eh?" Bofur smiled kindly as Bilbo sputtered.

"You do get to be cohost for New Year's." Bilbo finally managed with a weak smile as he handed Bofur the script.

"Then I'll be singing Auld Lang Syne with old Balin then. It's time that he stopped this nonsense." Bofur smiled again at the unhappy hobbit. Both knew that Balin had stolen Bofur's mattock. Bofur was just glad that Balin had not stolen his now infamous hat. Of course, he was going to extract restitution and a wee bit of revenge out of the old dwarf's hide.

"The sound stage is set up to look like a winter park scene. It is rather pretty."

"You'd best be off before Thorin finds you. I heard that he was looking for you after he was pushed into Balin's last episode."

The hobbit did NOT squeak and jump back. "It was an accident. I tripped and..."

"Bilbo Baggins!"

Bofur chuckled as he watched Bilbo literally vanish as he entered to the waiting stage.

\----

"Ok. _I'm dreaming of a white Christmas._ Why would I be dreaming of a snowstorm?" Bofur looked around at the set. There was a path through the fake park that he was obviously supposed to follow. _  
_

"When Bing Crosby sings "White Christmas" he is referring to a Christmas where there is snow on the ground. This song was originally from the movie "White Christmas" in which Bing Crosby, Danny Kaye, Rosemary Clooney, and Vera-Ellen star, released in 1954." Ori appeared from behind an equally fake pine tree, reading a script of his own.

"Nice of you to join me, Ori. I can't make heads or tails of this set. Though mention of a movie explains the fake snow. It's rather warm in here, don't you think?"

"Balin still has my pens. He...requested that I help you."

"Fine dwarf you are too, Dori should be proud. _Just like the ones I used to know._ I have never dreamed of snowstorms." _  
_

"The singer is implying he has had white Christmas' in the past." Ori called helpfully behind the pine tree as it grew a dwarf arm that waved for Bofur to continue.

" _Where the tree tops glisten._ Now ain't that a pretty image? I prefer the glistening of diamonds myself. Maybe if we decorated a tree with diamonds..." _  
_

"The artist is trying to imply that everywhere is covered in snow, and that the treetops probably have a sparkly and glistening look to them. I just want my pens back, Bofur." The miner was reminded of Dori's strength as he was given a helpful shove by the pine tree.

"Alright, alright. _And children listen to hear..."_

"Where is that hobbit? I can hear him breathing." Thorin appeared with a maniacal grin and pounced behind a copse of fake trees.

"So nice of you to join me, Thorin. Actually that is Ori..."

"Thorin, put me down! I've had enough of this. Why, I ought to..." There was a blur of a brief struggle.

"...behind the tree, Thorin." Bofur sigh and shook his head as he walked past a pine tree with a dwarf king as its new tree topper. He would have to remember that idea for next year's decorating theme at the Company Christmas party.

"Groan. Bofur, get me down from here."

"The show must go on. As I was singing _....sleigh bells in the snow."  
  
"I'm dreaming of a white Christmas. _ Song repeats itself enough, doesn't it? _With every Christmas card I write..._ Who would I write cards to?" Bofur shrugged as a new pine tree grew Ori's arm that shoved him down the path again.

 _"May your days be merry and bright._ Now that's a lovely wish for any holiday. I prefer Durin's Day myself. Octoberfest isn't so bad either. _And may all Your Christmases be white."  
  
_ Bofur looked to see that he was near the end of the path. "What's that in the tree, Ori.? _I'm dreaming of a white Christmas just like the ones I used to know where the tree tops glisten and children listen to hear sleigh bells in the snow."_

"My pens! Balin hid them in that tree." Ori did NOT screech in delight as he raced to pull the tree down to get his Ithildin pen set back. Bofur admired the craftsmanship of the engravings as Ori shoved them in his face. "My pens!"  
  
" _I'm dreaming of a white Christmas w_ _ith every Christmas card I write. M_ _ay your days be merry and bright a_ _nd may all your Christmases..._ we get the point."

"It's a wonderful holiday, isn't it, Bofur?" Ori linked arms with the miner and danced as he dragged him down the last of the path singing. " _I'm dreaming of a white_ _Christmas with you."_

"Ori! Bofur!" Thorin could be heard as they got farther away.

"Did you hear something, Ori? I'm dreaming of a nice pint of ale myself."

" _Jingle Bells a_ _ll the way, all the way."_ Ori sang as they left the sound stage.

"Hobbit!"

\----

"Here is your boar spear. Happy? I've never had a more difficult cohost to work with, Bifur."

"Yes. Let's join Bofur and Ori for that pint."

"We still have one more request, Bifur. You aren't going anywhere. Stand by for a commercial break, readers, as we continue on in Chapter 4."

\----


	4. Nori Presents "Santa Baby"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> BairnSidhe suggested Nori and Santa Baby.
> 
> Here is the original song written by Joan Javits, Philip Springer, and Tony Springer; performed by Eartha Kitt:  
> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jFMyF9fDKzE

"This is Rockin' Balin returning to you cool cat listeners on this joyous Christmas night. I hope that all of you have a wonderful holiday as we welcome back tonight's guest cohost, Bifur."

"It's wonderful to have my boar spear back. Where's my present?"

"Present? Where is my present if we are having a gift exchange?"

"I'll let you live, hope the size fits you. Now where is my present?"

"Well...I do happen to have a mattock that will get you onto the New Year's show with Bofur."

"You pick out the best gifts, Balin! I'm touched."

"Glad you like it. Could you please just introduce your last story so I can go home unharmed?"

"Unharmed? I see that you  have not opened Dwalin's present to you yet."

"Ah, no. Still angry, is he?"

"Without further ado here is Nori in Santa Baby, requested by BairnSidhe."

"Bifur, what do you mean?"

"Be happy, Balin. You got another person interested enough to make a request. Christmas miracles do happen."

"Of all the..."

\----

 "It's the perfect song for you, Nori." Bilbo was resorting to pushing the dwarf in through the sound stage door. It was not working as Nori ignored the grunting hobbit and read through the script.

"Change those grunts to babooms will you, Bilbo?" Nori turned to page two unphased as Bilbo got a running start to his next shove.

" _Baboom baboom baboom baboom."_ Bilbo gave a push with each baboom. "You will do your job, Nori! BairnSidhe requested you specifically to do this song." _  
_

"Really?" Nori snatched Bilbo's headphones off of the curly head and settled them over his own ears. "Maybe I should do your job, Bilbo. Testing, testing one two three."

"Give those back. Hey!" Bilbo looked up in time to see Nori toss Bilbo's new tablet through the door. "That was brand new. It does so much more than my old clipboard."

" _Santa baby, just slip a Sable under the tree for me;_ and a tablet for Bilbo, too." Nori chuckled as the hobbit scurried past him to retrieve his Christmas present.

" _Been an awful good girl, Santa baby, s_ _o hurry down the chimney tonight._ Please do, I'd love to borrow your reindeer and sleigh."

"You would just use them to steal. Get on with your song." Bilbo held his precious new tablet to his chest as he scurried back out the door, clearly lamenting the loss of his headphones, but his new baby was undamaged.

 _"Santa baby, a '54 convertible too, light blue._ That is even better. I'll have to steal Bilbo's tablet to look up the value of such an antique car. I wonder if I could get a good quote from Jay Leno." Nori looked around the set. It was a traditional sitting room complete with decked out tree, stockings, and a lounge chair by the fire.

"Nice. _I'll wait up for you, dear; Santa baby,_ _So hurry down the chimney tonight._ Hmm. A convertible. That could be alot of fun, now that I think of it." _  
_

 _"Think of all the fun I've missed._ I should have started waiting up for you years ago, Santa. _Think of all the fellas that..._ Bilbo what kind of guy is this Santa anyway? Luring unsuspecting, innocent dwarves into shenanigans. Dori would hardly approve. _Next year I could be just as good... if you check off my Christmas list._ Would it? be worth the trouble of a year of good behavior to see Dori catch this guy?" _  
_

"You are hardly innocent, Nori. Weren't you just planning on stealing Santa's sleigh for a few heists?" The tree topper growled.

 _"Santa baby, I want a yacht and really that's not a lot."_ Nori grinned as he looked up to see a tiny Thorin securely tied to the star tree topper. "Having a bad day, Thorin? You know that I've _been an angel all year; Santa baby,_ _So hurry down the chimney tonight."_

"Apparently, Bilbo's ring can do more than make him invisible." Thorin hissed as he yanked at his bonds, making the tree sway.

"Wait til Fili and Kili see you. Dis may still have her old doll house for them to play with you. _Santa honey, one little thing I really need..."_ Nori's grin was pure evil. _  
_

"I need to get down from here. Don't you dare tell them anything, Nori!"

" _The deed... to a platinum mine,_ Thorin _baby,_ _So hurry down the_ tree tonight with that deed." Nori continued to grin as he rubbed his fingers together.

"Nori, I'm your king, not someone to be blackmailed!"

 _Santa cutie, and fill my stocking with the duplex and checks;_ _Sign your 'X' on the line, Santa cutie..._ Sign 'Thorin, son of Thrain' on the check for a suitable sum for blackmail, Thorin... _and hurry down the_ tree with it." Nori helpfully held up a pen.

 _"Come and trim my Christmas tree with some decorations bought at Tiffany's._ I'll settle for a few antique Tiffany lamps, Thorin. Ones in colors that Dori likes. He's been wanting to redecorate in a 20's theme."

"Which 20's decade? Lamps of all things?" Thorin growled. Nori just batted at the star to make the tree sway even more. "Nori!"

" _I really do believe in you;_ _Let's see if you believe in me..._ Believe me, I want a platinum mine, a check for a suitable sum, and those lamps."

"Anything else?" Thorin looked dejected as the tree continued to swing him back and forth.

"Thorin _baby, forgot to mention one little thing... A ring..._ A ring for each finger, that is. _I don't mean on the phone;_ Thorin _baby,_ I mean also the latest smartphone and smartphone watch. I saw the tablet that you got Bilbo. _So hurry down the chimney tonight._ I've plans for that sleigh and reindeer, Santa. I still want that convertible, too. _Hurry down the chimney tonight."_

 _"Hurry, tonight!_ Just get me down from here, Nori! Nori!" _  
_

\----

"Thorin really needs to learn to keep control of his temper." Snickers.

"Our king as a tree topper is not a very funny topic to discuss, Bifur."

"Yes it is. You've heard it from the source, folks. Nori makes out like a bandit yet again. Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night."

"Now I've got to go free Thorin from Fili and Kili, and freeze all of the mountains accounts before that sticky fingered thief tries to cash anything. This is Rockin' Balin signing off. Please join Bofur and Bifur for the New Year's edition of my show as they do their rendition of Auld Lang Syne. I myself will apparently be auditing the financial records of Erebor. Sigh."

"You're a good sport, Balin."

"That's Rockin' Balin, Bifur."

"Whatever."

 


End file.
